even my farts smell like vagina
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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