***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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