So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
