Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
