Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
