Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
