im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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