i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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