I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
