Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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