I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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