hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
