we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
