Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
