I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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