I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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