I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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