i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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