What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
