I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
