You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
