Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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