and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
