But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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