drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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