it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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