i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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