Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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