I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
