i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
