My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
