Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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