Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
