You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
