i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We are all done wearing pants today
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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