I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
