eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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