You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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