I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
