What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
