I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was confusing and full of hummus
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
