his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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