my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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