it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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