Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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