ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
