she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I met the friendliest cop last night
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
