just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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