i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
