So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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