Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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