Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
